I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly three years. She has always battled clinical depression, but over the past year, her condition has worsened significantly. Fortunately, she has a relatively easy job that allows her to work from home, so her professional life is not overly demanding.
However, she’s having difficulty leaving our bedroom. We share a one-bedroom apartment, and we count it as a good day if she manages to eat three meals and take a shower. Social events like birthdays or movies are out of the question for her.
She’s actively seeking help through therapy, consulting a psychiatrist, and trying different antidepressants, yet there has been little improvement in her mental health.
I’m 32 and feel like I have the rest of my life ahead. The thought of staying with her in this state indefinitely seems unbearable. I want to end the relationship, but I worry about her well-being. The guilt of abandoning someone I love during such a difficult time is overwhelming. Yet, I also need to consider my own needs. Should I end things?
You find yourself in a difficult position with no easy answers. Staying might mean sacrificing your own happiness as there’s a chance she may never improve, leading to possible resentment. Living like this is not a life I’d wish on anyone.
On the other hand, leaving her could make you feel guilty, as she deeply needs your support. With only these choices, I suggest you break up with her, but do so in a way that leaves her as stable as possible.
Here’s how to approach the situation:
1. Housing Stability: Allow her to keep the apartment. Even if it was originally your space or you’re on the lease, she’s not in a position to move. You can, so you should.
2. Gradual Transition: Don’t leave immediately after breaking up. That would be too destabilizing. You might say something like, “I love you and you mean a lot to me. But over the past year, instead of helping you out of your depression, I’m also starting to feel depressed. I need to take care of myself and move on. But I want to help you find stability before I leave next month.” Her response will guide your next steps, but your goal should be to help her stand on her own as much as possible before you go.
3. Support System: Reach out to her family and friends. If they’re not already aware, explain the extent of her depression and inform them of your plan to leave. Encourage them to support her in your absence. Provide specific suggestions, like checking in on her meals or visiting regularly to ensure she’s okay.
If her relationship with her parents is strong, consider suggesting she move back with them, unless she’s capable of living on her own with some support.
This transition period will be challenging, possibly even terrible, but it’s likely you’ll feel more at peace with your decision knowing you didn’t abandon her abruptly. Overall, It’s about doing what’s right and ensuring she has the support she needs.